In a tunnel

That's how it feels, but there is no light. I'm just chugging along, waiting to see the way out. What am I on about ? Every day I declare to myself that I am going to change. Stop smoking stop drinking, get on with stuff. Be positive, make small adjustments on the way to making bigger things happen.

Well nothing ever gets done and I just carry on doing the same silly things. Particularly over spending.

After seven weeks I've achieved nothing that was in my original post, so let's try again. My inspiration comes from the MSE DFW forum. The '101 days to change our lives' challenge .

Giving myself 101 days from today to do something. 101 days away is August 23rd.

1. Stop smoking
2. Avoid wheat and yeast - psoriasis - so that means stop drinking.
3. Make a big whole in debts, exact figures to be confirmed.

That's food for thought.

Smober and Sober

Very pleased and positive about the the last two days, although I have one confession, which has lead me to a decision. I have a mountain of energy, amazed at the difference, or am I just behaving like this because I've read/been told energy levels would be good ? Anyway I have a spotless car, the house is feeling the benefit and so is my sleep.

My one confession involves alcohol - again, last night I picked up a cigarette of DH and lit it for him, yes I'd had two lagers.
I've said earlier in my blog Idrink too much and I can't trust myself with the combination of alcohol and nicotine, so from today I'm going sober aswell as smober.

Day Two Of NSJ

NSJ ? Non Smoker Jo !

Yesterday - woke with the desire not to smoke. Strange dream about shopping in Somerfields, but a decent nights sleep.

As I write this I have been a non/ex- smoker for 1 day and nearly 9 hours.

Drunk bucketloads of tea, nicodemon was screaming at me several times particularly early morning and after dinner. During the day it's fine, but the extremes of the day are his most active. However the light headedness comes in waves, lasting two to three minutes, five or six times a day. Some say it's blood sugar because cigarettes contain sugar, others say it's your body reverting to normal oxygen levels. Ironically to me it feels like the dizziness you get when you first have a cigarette.

Anyway, when nicodemon starts screaming I have a choice, either enter the battle where he will win, or just ignore him. The latter is so easy when you have the right frame of mind. There's no point in in stopping smoking, being miserable and waiting to fail, because you will.

Enough of my preaching, I am starting to graze food, the wrong food. It's Easter, so there is chocolate everywhere. Have to stop before it becomes a weight problem. Am drinking more water, but probably too much tea.

Woke this morning with a pleased feeling that I don't have to smoke, relieved is the word. Didn't sleep too well though, and do have a slight cough, this is all expected though.

Another beautiful day, blue sky. Feeling very good.

Think I Get It Now.

When you stop smoking, the healing process is slow and gradual. The mistake I keep making is waiting for something to happen. With a cigarette the 'hit' is instant, when you stop it isn't.

Anyway, something I realised last night while on the MSE forum was that I'd spent over £37,000 on the habit. Makes me feel quite ill.

Start again

Failed twice today, once mid morning, and again around 3 this afternoon. This habit is all consuming. Start stopping again. I know it's not supposed to be easy, but so frustrating.

Kicking Butt !

I did so well yesterday. Sailed through the day until around 5pm. Intense nicotine craving . There was a war going on in my head, the nicodemon telling me to light up. Was feeling decidedly foggy and light headed, but I didn't give in.

And then, 7pm half a stella, I'm chatting on the phone and nicodemon comes up on the inside and I automatically reach for one. Three puffs, and I won't say I didn't know I was doing it. I did. Still that was that, can't drink/smoke, can't trust myself.

Checking in.

08.10 So last puff was at 6.45 this morning. Can't say there was a dawn of realisation, but then there wasn't a feeling of panic either. There is a feeling of calm and control.

Within an hour - almost to the minute actually, the nicotine monster awoke, suggested it was feeding time. But see that's not going to happen again. It can shrivel up and die.

I've got the silkquit meter running, but I'm not sure it's right for me.. It tells me what I haven't done, not what I have. I'm not sacrificing anything by stopping, so don't need to know what I haven't sacrificed ! IYSWIM.

So I'm going to do a daily non-smokers update on my blog, until I get bored with it/novelty of blogging about being a non-smoker wears off. !

The main reason for my blog was to nail that damn credit card, statement due this week.

Let It Go

Still battling with this smoking malarkey. Read this blog, Diary of an ex-smoker.

Today I've had two already, it's 6.50am ! I'm stopping now.
I started when I was 16, September 1984, college. Stopped for 6 weeks in 1993 (patches). Two pregnancies, shamed to admit I only cut down, 2 - 3 a day.
Stopped again April 2006 - Allen Carr, 4 months. Felt happier, more confident, relaxed, slept better. Started again in August 2006, thought I could just have one. You can't.

Been awake since 5am, reread some Allen Carr. Just got to let it go. What's to be scared of ?

Need or want ?

I don't need cigarettes, I just want them. I've had this continous nagging in the back of my mind this week, not for a cigarette, but to stop smoking the damn things. I really have had a gutful. Aside from the financial and health woes they bring, is such a time wasting thing to do. When I smoke one I start thinking about the stuff I need to get on with, but oh no..' just finish this cigarette and I'll do such and such'. At that point I can't be bothered to smoke it and put it out. So why light it ?

Hate the things. Cost me a fortune.

Marbles ?

The marbles refererence is for two areas of my life.

First my way of thinking - you know like 'loosing my marbles'. I'm not a very confident person, low on self esteem, not a very positive person. Not depressed, but want to up my game so to speak. Make my life better instead of lurching from one day to the next in total disorganisation.

Second, I have a marbles credit card that I owe a small fortune on. And I want to focus on clearing that debt, with the help of the MSE - Debt Free Wannabe Forum.

I'm 40 next year ( in 367 days to be exact) and all though it's just a number it's also a state of mind, I don't want behave like I should, just because I'm 40, I want to do stuff because I can.
Sometimes I think that Harry Enfield sketch where Kevin turns 13 is true, teenagers behave that way because society dictates they should grunt and declare everything is unfair for the whole six years.

So the next year I'm going to change the things I don't like and improve the things I do.

Here's my target list to begin with:

• Stop smoking, this is a big thing for me now. Stopped a year ago, for 4 months, but fell back into the trap late Summer 2006. I've been faffing around for the last month trying to stop, but find excuses and battle with the nicotine monster eventually giving in. I can't afford it, mentally, physically or financially. Mentally because I find myself to be one of those irritable, shouty, people when under the influence of the weed, forever wondering when I can have the next 'fix', hate smoking when I smoke, want to smoke when I can't. Stupid habit. Physically, goes without saying really. I know how bad it is. Financially, it costs a small fortune, on an average of 20 a day that's £1952.75 a year, at pre- budget prices. So justify that ? I can't.


• Psoriasis. I suffer mildly but enough to annoy me. Can't go swimming. This is stress related, but I'm sure diet and smoking don't help. So generally taking better care of myself would help. I don't eat much junk, however partial to chocolate (not every day) and crisps, and drink too much tea and alcohol.


• Stop drinking alcohol, might aswell, a couple of lagers a night won't be missed.


• Mealplan everyweek. This helps with the finances. Instead of racking my brains every night about what to feed the menfolk, plan, shop via Tesco, no impulse buys. Will eventually set myself a budget for the month.

My first task is to stop smoking.

Jo